Too Much, Not Enough: How Therapy Helps Neurodivergent Adults Reclaim Their Identity

Our sense of self—the internal map of who we are, what we value, and how we move through the world—is the very foundation of our emotional wellbeing. When we can live in alignment with that map, we exist comfortably; but when we are forced to navigate by someone else’s coordinates, we experience profound distress. This is the story for many in the neurodivergent community: a journey of confusion, suppressed identity, and shame. But working with a neuro affirming therapist can help to reclaim those aspects of yourself that you have hidden, meet them with compassion and reframe the negative judgements you have experienced.

What is Neurodiversity?

Neurodiversity is the natural variation in how human brains process information. It is an umbrella that encompasses specific sensory preferences, heightened emotional responses and unique thinking patterns like "monotropism"—an intense, narrow focus on specific interests. While Autism and ADHD are the most well-known forms, it also includes Dyslexia and Dyspraxia.

The Origins of Identity: The Confused Self

Our identity starts as a collection of natural instincts and preferences but is very quickly shaped by what carers, family and wider society expect of us. Neurodivergent children inevitably think, feel and behave differently but they are viewed - and judged - in relation to neurotypical norms. They are “too much” or “not enough”: too noisy, not sociable enough, too messy, not disciplined enough. This leads to categorical labels such as “antisocial” or “wierd”. And beneath these explicit messages is a less tangible feeling that they are different, they don’t “fit”. This also has a physical root - neurodivergence encompasses sensory sensitivities that create discomfort. This “alien-ness” can have a profound and lasting effect on your self esteem unless it is examined and understood.

The False Self

In the absence of understanding, neurodivergent people will “mask” - they will bend over backwards to try and fit. They create a False Self by hiding the instinctive parts of themselves and adapting their behaviour to be accepted. But masking is a high-stakes performance that extracts a physical cost, referred to as “The Energy Tax”: fatigue, sensory overload, burnout and a depleted nervous system. 

The Hidden Self and Shame

One emotional consequence of hiding our real selves is the sense of shame it produces. Shame begins when we are repeatedly criticised for getting things "wrong" in social contexts. When a part of ourselves is suppressed, it gathers a quality of shamefulness simply because it is hidden; it needs light and air to be diffused. Furthermore, if we don't see our authentic preferences as legitimate, we struggle to recognise or ask for our own needs to be met.

The Relational Identity: A Tale of Two Operating Systems

Identity isn’t just something we hold internally; it is how we show up with others. In the neurotypical world, "good" communication is often defined by subtext and small talk, but for neurodivergent people, the map looks different. For example, an Autistic person might prefer directness over small talk, while someone with ADHD might share personal stories as a way of showing empathy. Rather than seeing these as "social deficits," we should view them through the lens of "Double Empathy": difference works both ways. 

We can think of neurodivergent and neurotypical people as running different operating systems. Confusion happens when they interact, but the software itself isn't broken. Research shows that Autistic people communicate very effectively amongst themselves. Relief comes when we step back from self-criticism and focus on "finding our tribe"—those who speak our language.

Reframing the Self: Different not Broken

Neurodivergent people are not broken humans in the same way that a cactus isn’t a broken rose; it’s just a plant that requires different soil and less water to thrive. Healing isn't about changing the “plant”; it's about finding the right “soil” (environment) where you can bloom. Once you recognise this, you can build confidence to ask for your needs to be met, for example by asking for a quiet space at work, taking breaks from social activities to recharge your “social battery”.

The Role of Therapy

Therapy offers a sanctuary to stop the performance, unmask, and finally let your true identity breathe. It is a space for you to explore and inhabit aspects of yourself without judgement. Seeing these through the lens of your neurological make up opens the door to reframing those earlier negative messages with self-compassion: we reframe “fussy” as “having high sensory sensitivity (to textures/tastes/environments)”; "antisocial" becomes “protecting your social battery”; “disorganised” can be thought of as “experiencing executive functional challenges”; “lazy” becomes “having a depleted nervous system”. We can then open up space to think about your strengths independently and not purely in relation to neurotypical norms. Intensity of interest, pattern spotting, quickness of thinking, empathy and the ability to feel deeply all have inherent value in many contexts and relationships.

If these questions of identity feel relevant to you, please get in touch to talk about how I can support you.